Bucket List

I have been all gloom and doom lately.  So much so that I failed to mention that 2 short weeks ago I was able to mark something off of my ever expanding bucket list.  I saw Van Halen in concert with David Lee Roth.  That happened to be on my list for years, and I did it!

As we go into summer, I am going to sit down and do a real bucket list.  All those things that I want to do before I kick the bucket.  No, my cancer diagnosis is not the inspiration for this.  I have always had an informal, ongoing list of things that I want to do before I go.

I'm So Tired

In order for the RAI to really work I have to go into a state of hypothyroidism.  When I was given this news, I thought, oh well, so 4 weeks will be tired.  Small price to pay for a cure.  I take that back!  I am into week 2 of not having a thyroid while not taking any supplementation for that missing thyroid.  I am in hell!  I have never, not ever felt this way before. I am tired, but can't sleep at night.  My muscles ache, I am depressed, I am gaining weight, I am cold, I am pissed!

I am too tired to get out of bed to walk my daughter to the bus in the morning, finite days that she wants to be with me are slipping away.  I spent Memorial Day weekend in the a daze, trying to be normal for everyone's benefit because I feel guilty if I don't.  I lay in bed at night with my legs twitching because i suddenly have restless leg syndrome.  I wake up every hour, on the hour for some unknown reason.  I thought I was at least going to catch up on some sleep during this.  I am wallowing in self pity, which makes me angry at myself, because I am lucky to have a cancer with a cure.  I should be happy, but I am not happy.

I want my life back.  I want my thyroid back.  I want my job back.

Back to the Frugal Grindstone

Being out of work, all be it temporary, has brought my frugality back to the surface.  I will be honest, the last year of a second income was nice.  Really nice.  So nice, that I often sacrificed what I believed in, finding the best price, for convenience.  How easy it is to buy prechopped vegetables or eat lunch out more than I should.  But, until at least July, no paycheck for me.  With that, I am back to coupon clipping, receipt checking and buying on sale.  Here is a list of the things I did this week in an effort to be frugal.

1.  Used Justice coupons with 40% off to buy $80 worth of pajamas for $28.00.

2.  Took my girls out for ice cream, used a 50% of coupon

3.  Drove very, very little.  I haven't driving much at all in fact.  Hypothyroidism will do that to you.

4.  Made major changes to our auto insurance, saving us $173/6 months.

5.  Changed our gym membership from family to individual

6.  Will stay home tonight and watch a movie at home instead of going to the theatre.

7.  REALLY analyzed our energy bill and figured our where we need to cut back.

8.  Paid off the credit card ( I do that every month, but that counts)

9.  Order a free sample of K-cups for our coffee maker

10. Returned stuff to Bath and Body Works that I didn't need.

I figure this week I saved us $400.  Not too shabby.  What can I do next week?

Change Is In The Air

It was nearly a year ago that I left my full time job as a stay at home mom and ventured back into the work world.  I became an insurance agent for a well known company.  As it turned out, I am good at it.  I had a steady stream of customers, was making money and was proud of the fact that I did not seem to fall into the sleazy insurance agent stereotype.  I was happy.  Stressed out, but I was good at it.

Then April 11th happened.  It was on that day my life changed.  I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer.  As I have gotten used to my new title as Cancer patient, I have educated myself on my disease.  I am one lucky lady!  Thyroid cancer is curable.  For my age, I am reading that it has a 97% cure rate!  Some numbers I find say nearly 100%, when caught on time.  That is me!

That being said, being a cancer patient is not a walk in the park no matter what.  With the cure, that I am so grateful to have, I have to sacrifice a lot.  First, my thyroid was removed.  With this surgery, I am not only missing a vital gland, but I have a pretty nasty scar across my neck.  I noticed people staring at me at the grocery store the other day.  I was embarrassed that I have such an ugly mark on my neck.  I have never been vain, as my friends and family know.  But, this one might get to me more than I am ready to admit.

I have to go several weeks without a thyroid supplement,  going into hypothyroidism, which means I am going to get very tired.  I mean tired beyond belief.  This is done so that the next step in the cure has the best possible results.  My family is already prepared for a tired mom and wife.  I am going to try my best to on with business as usual, but I am prepared to take a nap or 2.

Next, I have to take Radioactive Iodine.  This is an amazing medical advance, not sure how long it has been used, but it works.  I am not going to get into the science of how this works, as will get it wrong.  For those interested, google it.  You will be amazed.  While this is a miracle cure, it requires I quarantine myself for at least a few days because I will literally become radioactive.  My kids need to stay away from me, which makes me sad.  But, I do not have a choice and I accept that.

Finally, I will have to be a thyroid medication for my entire life.  A small price to pay to be cured.  In fact, I will never complain about that little pill I will need to take forever.

What I have failed to mention up to this point is that with this diagnosis, came the end of my job as an independent insurance agent.  When I signed on a year ago, I signed a contract with quotas that I need to meet.  Having cancer makes it very hard to make those quotas.  So, yesterday I agreed to give up my status as an independent and I am now working for another agent.  It was the only choice I had to save what I have built.  I feel a sense of relief that when I am ready to return, I can still be an agent to the customer base I have built.  But, at the same time I feel sad that everything I built is going to the book of business of another agent.  It all seems so petty, but it matters to me.

However, last night was the first night in a year that I did not think about quotas, because with this change, I no longer have quotas.  I sell what I can without having to worry constantly that I may not make my numbers.  I realize that I have my nights again, my summer is open, I can take a vacation, I can take a day off.  The agent I merged with is a good friend.  She keeps saying that we will be partners to the extent that her contract allows.

So, as I sit here tonight, knowing that summer is coming and that I will be spending in healing.  I am excited at the possibility of getting back to the role of stay at home mom for a few short months.  I can work full time again in the fall, when the kids return to school, knowing that I can be home when they get home.  Work will no longer take up so much of my time both mentally and physically.  Maybe this little diagnosis will force me to put family first and foremost again.  Maybe this will all work out for the best.

Bad News

It is 1:00 in the morning and I find myself doing something I never do, sit in front of the computer in the middle of the night. Tonight, I got news that nobody ever wants to hear. Three simple words that will change your life and perspective "you have cancer". Wow! I really never thought that I would be that person. Cancer happens to everyone else, not me.

From what my doctor said, I have a treatable form. Thyroid cancer which is very treatable. My doctor seems to think that I will be treated and have a full recovery. This of course makes me feel better. But, it doesn't lessen the blow of "you have cancer". I am sitting here this evening, terrified that I might not fall in the majority on this one. That maybe mine won't be treatable.

I have been reading every site I can find tonight on this cancer. It is unanimous, it's treatable and I will in all likelihood be fine. I pray that is the case, that one little cell won't break free and go somewhere else in my body where it can multiply. I hope that I will have a simple surgery and the radioactive iodine I am reading so much about now and I will cured. That has to be the ending to this little hiccup in my story. I still have so much to do and so much to see.

I'm Back......

For now that is. Today is one of those absolutely beautiful, Autumn days that the Midwest is famous for. So, on this day, I decided that working from home would be a good choice. My job requires a lot of marketing that needs to be done from my home and neighborhood. Life is good.

So much has happened since I last blogged. I don't even know what day of the year it is, 200 and something. I lost track, and regret that. But, I will set that aside and fill my 3 readers in on what has happened since I last wrote.

First, we have an exchange student from Spain. She will be with us for an entire year. She is wonderful and charming and a great addition to our family. We have all had to adjust, some more than others, but I think it the end it will be a great experience for all of us. I am saddened that my daughter Hannah is having a hard time adjusting. She misses having her own room, she is allowing that to get in the way of enjoying the older sister that she will only have for 1 short year. I am hopeful that maturity will bring her to reality sooner rather than later. I love her so much and hate seeing her sad. But, I also feel some frustration that her 12 year old self is making decisions that her 18 year old self will regret.

I continue to work. My hours are long some days, and short on others. I am self employed, meaning that I am only as successful as I allow myself to be. I have a quota, which is forever looming over me. I have days of fear that I will never make it. More times than not, the next day I will make a big sale that makes me feel at peace. I wonder if I will ever be fully confident in my abilities. I need to be, for myself and for my daughters. They need to see their mother successful in her chosen career. I need be successful for me, so that I can myself successful in my chose career. I fear failure, I always have. By doing this, I am facing my greatest fear everyday that I continue and don't give up. Some days are certainly easier than others.

My husband continues to work. This year, he added the role of U10 Girls Soccer coach to his already full resume. The man works harder than anyone I know, or will ever know. Still, he finds the time to coach his daughter and her team of 9 year old girls. Clearly, he has the patience of a saint. I can confidently say that I would never be able to deal with that many little girls on a soccer field. Yet, he does it.

The days continue to fly by. I wonder where the time goes at the same time feeling frustration that every day is exactly the same routine. Maybe a mid life crisis? Who knows. I feel happy and content, but wish I could add something to the day to day routine that would add something else. I just don't know what that something is. Ideas?

Days 205-224 Letting It Go

When I started doing this blog in January, I was determined to stick to it every day, not matter what! Clearly, I have not been able to stick to that the last several weeks. I wonder, is it summer? Or, is it my job? Is it because I am no longer committed to writing?

I believe that my excuse lies in the fact that I am just beat at the end of every day and have yet to organize my schedule in such a way that I can squeeze writing in when I have a spare moment. My goal for this weekend, is that I am going to sit down with a calendar, my priorities written out and my commitments listed so that I can find time each day for the things that matter to me.