In Mourning

Things have been silent from me this week due to unbelievable sadness that I never imagined.  On Tuesday I found out that the dog we have had for 13 years had cancer in his eye.  Due to his age and other health issues, we decided that euthanasia was the only choice. 

My husband and I adopted Max from the local Humane Society in May of 1996.  When we closed on our first home June 1st of that year, Max moved in with us.  He was a crazy looking puppy with legs way to long for his torso and a wiener dog head that was unfairly put on a black lab body.  He was a mutt that always  looked like some cruel twist of fate had shrunken his head, he reminded me of Beetlejuice.  His ears were floppy and his tail was far too long for the rest of him.  It was all of these mismatched features that made me fall in love with him when I saw him in that kennel 13 years ago shaking like a leaf. He was the ONLY dog I considered on that day.

For the first 2 years of Max's life he was my baby.  I had become one of those weird dog people who we all make fun of.  I even sunk so low as to take him to a pet store one Christmas to have his picture taken with Santa, I required him to wear reindeer antlers.  That incident alone traumatized him.  Every time I took him on a car ride after that day, he would drool uncontrollably.  My obsession with him was not limited to crazy outings.   I would leave work at lunch everyday to walk him, I bought him expensive dog food, I napped with him. Max was my life for 2 years, I even had his picture as my focal point when I was in labor with my first baby.  I cried when I left for the hospital, truly saddened that I would have to leave Max for a few days to give birth.  It was with the birth of my baby that the unthinkable happened, Max went from being a baby to being a dog.  An inconvenience he never forgave me for.  As the years went by and children continued to join the family, Max continued to lose his status in the family,  a normal process I believe as families grow.  

Even though Max had become a "dog" in my eyes, my love for him never wavered.  I continued with the daily walks, appreciated his unrelenting loyalty, and never forgot the fact that he filled a special place in my heart reserved for the love of a dog.  He was a wonderful dog, through thick and thin.

Max did have a tendency to get himself into medical trouble.  When my first child was 2 months old, Max ate an entire bottle of Iron enriched vitamins.  We nearly lost him to that accident. My husband and I were near broke when that happened and had to charge $2000.00 to our Visa card to cover all the expenses.  That did not include the first page of expenses on the bill that the hospital forgot to charge us for.  When our son was 9 months old (7 months after the Poly Vi Sol incident) Max got into a fight with a skunk!  The skunk won.  We had to rush him to the local Animal Emergency Hospital for an eye washing, that cost us a couple hundred dollars.  When Max was 4 years old he decided that eating an entire pan of grill grease followed by an unmentionable would make a good meal.  That little fiasco cost us $1500.00. About 6 months after that incident, Max got into another fight with a skunk.  That time, we used a hose to clean out his eyes.   Sadly, those stories are just the tip of the iceberg, Max was the dog that was given more than 9 lives and he used every one of them.  This last year, I took him to the vet more times than I can count.  In the last year he has had liver failure, a UTI, chronic arthritis, dementia and finally eye cancer.  With every visit, I vowed to myself and my husband that I would let go, but I couldn't, until today.

The eye cancer was just too cruel a disease to impose on him so that I could have a few more months with my beloved pet.   The vet told me that with his advanced age, his dementia and the fact that he was starting to nip at us, surgery was not a viable option.  It was with great anguish and sadness that I finally did relent and agree to euthanizing him today.  A decision that has been traumatic for me all week.  I feel as though I have been in a tear induced haze since Tuesday.  Wishing that somehow I would wake up to find his tumor had shrunk, instead it grew noticeably in the three days between diagnosis and death.  As I sit here and write this blog about my dog I wonder why we as humans do this to ourselves.  Why do we love a creature that can only give us about 10-12 good years?  I feel like I can never do this to myself again.  The pain and sorrow I have felt all week, in addition to the truly excruciating pain I felt today is so easy to avoid.  Just skip the pet.  But, I realize that while he was not a good companion this last year (through no fault of his own), I would not give up the 12 years before that for anything.  I loved that dog and he loved me absolutely unconditionally.  That is a love humans do not get from other humans, ever.  My only hope at the end of this very sad day is that his loyalty to me remained as he was taken to a room without me to be euthanized.  While I know that my final act for him was given from love, I will never be able to feel guilt free for taking his life when he loved me completely, unselfishly and with unrelenting loyalty.  

Rest in peace Max.  I love you and will never forget you.

    

The Drama of Girls

Recently, I have been writing a lot about my son.   The rapid departure of his childhood to adolescence has had me a bit preoccupied these days.  I have not taken notice to the changes that are also occurring in his younger sister's world.  She is only 14 months younger, but has always seemed much younger, emotionally that is, than him.  While she has been taller since she was a toddler (she inherited paternal grandfathers height), she has always been a bit more immature than her peers.  Her brother, who has proven to be the opposite of her in every way from height (he inherited my father's height) to maturity has until recently, commanded far less attention than his younger sibling.  Fifth grade has been a bit more difficult than any of us ever expected. Conflict with friends, a tug of war for independence and the reality that it does take work to get straight A's has thrown him for a loop.  I did not notice that my dear Hannah was going through her own growing pains as well.

Friday was a first for Hannah and myself.  While Hannah used to be immature when compared to her peers, she never fought with her friends.  Really, I had a 10 year old fourth grader who had never come home to confide in us about a fight with a friend.  That is not saying that she hasn't had her feelings hurt or an argument, that of course has happened.  But never with tears or the emotion that walked into this house on Friday.  Friday brought a new chapter of childhood into this family.  It was so emotional, so traumatic that my husband cringed at the thought of reliving his own childhood memories of the fights his own sisters used to divulge to him.  Out of respect to my daughter, I will not reveal the details of her first real girl fight, but let me say it was explosive!  Tears were shed, promises of never speaking to the guilty party  made (as of yesterday, the girls are friends again) and worst of all the ever important BFF list was revised.  I believe she even told me of her plans for revenge,  a mean postcard sent while on vacation was going to be all the vindication she needed.  Like a good mother I listened to her story.  I even relived some of my own girlhood trauma by thinking about similar fights.  I than did the rational thing and told her I was sorry she was hurt and that she had every right to feel sad.  I also told her she was blowing things WAY out of proportion, which she was and told her to think about it more.  I also reminded her that while she believed the world was coming to an end (which she promised me through tears and screaming that it really was coming to an end) things would be better by the end of the weekend.  Which they were.  When I left her to wallow in her grief, and closed her door behind me, I couldn't help but feel a wave of sadness.  The sadness was not brought on by her fight, but by the fact that in one afternoon, my daughter who had never experienced such anger  had been completely overcome by preteen emotions.  It made me realize that I am not just losing one child to adolescence, I am losing 2 at the same time.    

I have often heard that girls mature faster than boys.  Until now, I did not think that would be the case with my children.  Alec has always been so serious, mature for his age and meticulous about his school work and surroundings.  Hannah has been my free spirit.  Caring very little about her appearance, immature, and silly.  Recently though, I have noticed a shift, a bit of a role reversal.  Alec does not care about his room anymore, would rather be with his friends instead of doing school work, will even run through the grocery store like a 5 year old.  Hannah has been pointing these things out to me.  Noticing that he is no longer the mature one, she is. The speech problem that she had for so long has been "cured" after years of therapy, making her sound older than I ever expected.  She takes extra time in the morning to get herself ready for school, always being the one to remind her siblings to brush their teeth and comb their hair. She spends extra time at her desk every night doing her homework, making sure that it is done with extra effort.   I even heard her ask her brother if his friends know that he acts like a child, his response was "I am a child!"  In my wildest dreams,  I never would have expected to hear that conversation between them.

I have to remind myself that while I have 2 children who are no longer in need of so much of my time, I also have a 6 year old daughter who is still very much a little girl.  I plan on cherishing every moment that I still have of her young childhood.   Knowing that with everyday that passes, she is going to reach the preteen milestones that we are experiencing right now with not 1, but 2 children.  I wouldn't change a single thing though.  While I am experiencing some sadness these days, there is so much more joy than I could ever have of imagined having these 3 wonderful people in my life.  I consider it to be the greatest gift I have been given, the opportunity to watch them develop into the accomplished adults that I know they will someday become.

Morel Mushrooms!!

Saturday night is normally taco night in my house.  It is cheap, reliable and easy.  However, we had a change of menu this evening.  My husband found morel mushrooms while on a camping trip this weekend.  Pictures of these treasure will be uploaded soon!   He found 7 ounces of mushrooms.  They were perfect.  Because we had this seasonal treasure, for free, we decided to splurge and have tenderloin tonight.  

For those of you who have not had morels, you are missing on a fantastic treat.  Really.  My husband and I look forward to morel season every year.  Occasionally we find wild morels, but often, we have to buy them.  They are not cheap, they run at about $40/lb.  Of course we NEVER buy more than 2-3 oz, just enough to saute and add to a steak.  So, you can imagine our excitement when 7 ounces were available to us for free!!  Does the cost of the steak cancel out the frugality of the mushrooms?  If so, I don't care.  Life is short and I am generally very cheap.  Sometimes it is okay to live a little and sit down to a great meal, which I had tonight.

Sigh! My kids are getting older!

Tonight I went to Middle School orientation at the school my son will be going to in the fall.  Yes, yes I talk about how fast the kids are growing up.  I am well aware of how quickly it all goes by. Today it hit me especially hard though.  I don't know why?  I can guess that it is because I was anticipating the orientation that I needed to go to this evening.

Alec is my oldest.  It feels like his entrance into middle school signifies to me that we are leaving behind his childhood and entering the unknown world of adolescence.  We see signs of puberty rearing it's ugly head occasionally.  An eye roll or an attempt to swear by saying "Oh Crap!" is not uncommon.  He is testing his limits and proving to us all that he will eventually become a sullen teenager.  But, 90% of the time, he is still a little kid.  He hugs me, he likes me to read to him sometimes, I find him playing with action figures (friends of mine, don't tell your children that please) and he still likes to watch cartoons.  He is still a little kid.  Will his entrance into middle school rob me of my little boy?   I think so, and that is normal and fine.  I will be okay when the time comes.  I just wish that I had a little more time with him as a little kid.  I am finding that it may be harder for me to let go than I had previously believed.

Upon further reflection though I know what else is bothering me.  My children are getting older and they are taking me with them!  Yes, I am getting older too.  No, I am not old.  I am only 38, but the years are rolling by and having children really makes those years roll by faster. It is getting harder to take off the extra baby weight (okay, she is not a baby, after 7 years I should just call it fat)  Sometimes I look at old pictures off all 3 of my children, the event I maybe looking at might be 4 or 5 years old, but it seems like last week.  

I guess I have to ask myself, what is the issue I have with my son going to middle school?  My children getting older or me getting older?  I guess it is probably both and that is fine.  Better yet, maybe I am in the throws of a major mid life crisis?  What I do know is that I had better get a handle on my emotions before September 2.  I have been put on notice, I will not be walking Alec to the bus on the first day of school.  No exceptions.  I have to ask the other moms out there this question though.  Is it okay to spy on him from the end of the drive way that first day?  I have 4 months to figure out the answer to that question.

Frugal Travel

A few weeks ago I posted a blog about our summer plans.  It was my intention when writing that blog that we would forgo summer travel because of the economy.  After further consideration, my husband and I did decide to take a vacation after all.  We are going to travel to Western Massachusetts for a week.  This trip came out of the blue and we are leaving in 4 weeks already. Yikes!!

The decision to make this vacation was made for a couple of reasons.  First of all, when we got married, my parents gave us a timeshare that they had purchased in the early 1980's.  The week of our timeshare is the first week of January and only sleeps 4 people (we are a family of 5).  This time proves to be difficult for us because of the kids going back to school after Christmas, and, we can't all stay in the resort.  So, we always "bank" the time with the intention of using the time later.  Well, we are not always good about using the time wisely, frequently we find ourselves in a use it or lose it scenario, which we found ourselves in Friday.  We had all wanted to go to the East Coast, so I told the operator we will take anything on the East Coast in the second week of June.  We find ourselves booked to go to Massachusetts.  This exchange is going to cost us $189 for board for the entire week.  We are going to be provided with a full kitchen, so we can do our own cooking, saving a lot on groceries.  The bulk of our vacation bill will be the gas to get to the East Coast from Wisconsin.  I am optimistic that gas prices will not go as high as they did last summer.

The second reason we decided to take this vacation is that we wanted to spend time with our kids.  I have said so many times that they are growing up so fast.  I don't want to let a minute pass us by.  We are fortunate to have access to an affordable vacation, we need to take advantage of it.  Our time together on this trip will not  be spent in expensive tourist destinations.  It will be spent enjoying time together exploring an area of the country none of us have ever been to.  I think that time will be priceless, I can't wait!

I look forward to keeping a journal of our vacation.  I will of course document what we did, but, I also know that I will keep a strict budget and account for every dime we spend.  I am frugal after all.

Happy Mother's Day

I am a lucky woman!  My husband and children went above and beyond the call of duty today.  I woke up to a breakfast, made from scratch, by my wonderful husband.  He made me crepes with berries and homemade whipped cream, veggie sausage, orange juice and coffee.  It was a breakfast fit for a queen and thankfully not served to me in bed.  I don't know what woman likes eating in bed, but I am not one of them.

I received beautiful homemade gifts and cards made for me, with love, from my children.  Thanks kids, you are the best!!  My husband gave me the requisite flowers, which I love and appreciate.

Since today was my day to pick a family activity, I picked the unthinkable, we went to a movie.No not necessarily in the budget, but cheaper than eating a meal out (I think).  We went to Star Trek, surprisingly my choice, I am generally not a sci fi fan, but I heard good things.  I am glad I chose it, we had a good time, my husband and son loved, as did I.  My daughters, not so much.  I believe I heard the words boring, longest movie ever, lots of choking and "they sure did beat up Kirk a lot".  I pointed out to the girls that I have sat through more teeny bopper movies than any 30 something woman should be allowed, so their opinion meant very little to me.  I of course said it in a much nicer way, but, that was the general message.

My husband ended the evening by making me an authentic Italian dinner.  Bread soup, Chicken Parmesan and Caprice Salad.  It was a wonderful Mother's Day.

I hope to get back to more consistent blogging in the next couple of weeks, when my kids schedules are not so demanding.

Field Trip to the Milwaukee Public Museum

Yesterday I chaperoned my son's field trip to the museum.  I have to say, I had a fantastic time. Really, I did.  I appreciated the time I had with my son, time with him without his siblings is often times hard to come by.  When I am able to take advantage of an activity that I can do without his sisters being involved, I do it.  Even though it means that it will include 70 other children.

What I enjoyed about yesterday's field trip was the opportunity to watch my son interact with his peers.  I am probably going to sound biased, I am of course, but, my son is growing up to be a great kid.  He really is.  He gets along well with his friends, he is confident, he is well liked and most of all, he is nice.  I was very proud of him, watching him with his friends.  At this point in his childhood, I feel like my husband and I have done a good job in raising a good person.  Isn't that what all parents work hard for?  

I don't want to make him sound perfect.  He was full of mischief, practical jokes forever on his mind, he did participate in normal 11 year old behavior.  But, like I said, it was normal.  Tonight, as I write this post, I am confident in saying that I am very proud of my son.  He is growing up to be fine man.